The New Year is not a celebration for me.
Like many people, I said 2017 was going to be my year. There are many things I want to achieve this year, but I know in the back of my mind that the reality is pretty dark.
Starting a new year with depression is so numbing it's unreal. I've done this for the past 4 years now. However, the extent of my mental health is usually under control thanks to medication.
2016 was different for me. The year started off right. I was full of energy, ready to finish my final year of university, ready to watch my sister walk down the aisle, ready to leap into a new career.
All these things were amazing. I was surrounded by incredible family and friends, who shower me with love and I'm incredibly lucky in that sense.
So what changed? I can't say for sure what changed these last few months, but I've been slowly turning in on myself, and the new year was kind of a breaking point.
Like I said, I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to be on top of my game. But on January 1st I woke up at 1pm, I felt numb and completely uninspired. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to leave my house or do any of the things I'd planned the day before and that is not how I wanted to start my year.
It's January 2nd and the same thing happened. Today I woke up at 12.30pm, and had to use all of my strength to force myself out of bed to sit at my desk and write this post. Why? Because I want to get better.
Writing is sort of a sanctuary for me. I may not be the best writer, but it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to my feelings, and instead have always found light in writing about them.
With a vow to improve my mental health, I'm starting a #30DaysOfSelfCare project. For 30 days, I want to focus on me, and put all my effort into starting the year right. Yesterday, I started with new shoes. It sounds silly, but material things like a new item of clothing can make you feel that little bit better.
The reason I'm starting with 30 days, is that I don't know if it will work. I've got to be honest and say, I really don't know if something like this could work for me. Taking a moment out of my day to really think about something that's made me feel better, or doing something that brings me out of darkness should help towards a clearer mind. But can I commit to it? Or will I give up?
As I'm sure you can tell, I'm going to be talking a lot about mental health on my site. If you want to join in with this #30DaysofSelfCare project, then be my guest. I'd absolutely love the support and hope by sharing my thoughts and feelings I can also help you.
The project can be started whenever you want. It's just 30 days. It's not tied into the start of the month etc, you can start whenever.
P.S - I'm hoping by the end of January, I can provide you all with a free leaflet on self care; my struggles, other people's struggles and how we overcome it. If you want to be the first to receive it then sign up below!